There's people in the world who you you can't live without and then there's people you think you can't live without. Furthermore, there's people in the world you you can't live without and then there's people who you can live without. This blog is about those who I did live without, because the relationship you have with yourself is stronger and far more important than that with anyone else.
Their names are not important but our relationships are vital. In many of my previous relationships the emotions were flowing though the happiness had been drained. The honeymoon period was beautiful, but as soon as we got comfortable with each other, the 'I love you' stopped meaning what it was intended for and began meaning 'please don't leave me, we can make this work' as I smiled through gritted teeth and forced myself to stay in an unhappy place. I was just postponing the inevitable and pushing my own freedom away until tomorrow. And tomorrow never comes.
Really, I knew how unhappy I was but I didn't want to admit to myself the toxic situation I'd become comfortable in. What I didn't realise at the time was that these relationships meant more to me than my own happiness. Not even my crippling anxiety caused by these very situations were enough to make me break free. I’d always had OCD, a generalised anxiety disorder which I’ll explain in further detail in another post. But the point is that it had never been crippling. I’d lived my life from approximately the age of 3 right up until University coping with the disorder just fine, but it was one specific relationship that was so emotionally toxic, that it resulted in needing to be medicated for my anxiety which had become crippling. The scariest part about this is that I'd actually convinced myself I was the best version of myself in this relationship, completely blinding myself from my struggles and replacing them with the idea and that I wasn't going to find anyone better. Even though I knew I was lying (to myself, the worst kind of lie by the way), I convinced myself that my own lie was the truth, because it was easier.
Let me tell you this, when that relationship ended, I felt the weight fall off my shoulders. In that moment it was so clear how badly I needed the relationship to be over, and I instantly started working on myself. I can't stress how much listening to myself would have saved so much of my time. I was told multiple times how to wear my hair, that I shouldn't wear clothes I liked, I couldn’t get a septum a piercing, and most important that I was an idiot, and that I wouldn't succeed. All of which I did when these relationships were over. And I felt great (there's even positives in a breakup!).
These people aren't bad and our relationships were special, but it is important to realise that when that fuse is blown, you don't have to sit in darkness waiting for the light that you once had. You enjoyed the sunshine while it was there, but you owe it to yourself to chase it onto the next window. It is so important to find that sunshine in your own life, before you try to find yourself happy and content in relationships with others. If you’re happy with yourself, you’ll not only be able to share that with others, but you’ll also have the strength to put your happiness first if you find that someone isn’t meeting your needs. If you know your worth, you’ll find it easier to cut ties with negative people instead of sacrificing your well-being. I also believe that when one door closes, another one opens, and also when you cut ties with one person, you will always find someone more suited to you.
I hope that this story reflects everything I have been trying to say: There can be positives in everything, sometimes they just need to be pursued.
A x
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